Hindsight is a Wasteland

Last night I died my hair because today I turned another year older.

I didn’t want to wake up with my hair peppered with white; my undercut, which once served me well, now the nesting ground for the creepers that can’t be hidden.

A photo on my dressing table as I changed this morning reminded me of the fresh face I wore some seven years ago.

Each year from now I move further away from my twenties.

And each birthday I wrestle with the thoughts and wishes that I could somehow go back and do those days again knowing what I know now.

But hindsight is a wasteland.

And I’m not sure that if those days were any other way – if they somehow had’ve turned out differently – if I’d actually know what I know now. Actually, I know I wouldn’t. And even if I did, had those days turned out any different, my life would not have been so colourful, I would not have been so colourful. I simply would not be myself.

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You see hindsight is a wasteland.

So I sit here in my thirty-somethings and I wish for nothing to be any different, for it all to just be as it is. I woke up today and went to a job I love, sharing my loves. Throughout the day, I got to read messages from the people I love; the incredible, wonderful, magical people whose paths have crossed with mine. At the end of the day I picked up my incredible little man from school and got to hug him tight, wearing our matching watches, and hearing all about how he made more transformer robots with Mobilo. I got to watch him practice his loudest kia at taekwondo and then I got to go back to the place we call home and share food and noise and mess and laughter with my family. And when all that was done, I sat down at my computer and I wrote like a woman possessed. And now I will fall asleep in my thirty-somethings, my belly full of cake and my heart full of gratitude.

I wish not to waste another day in hindsight because I am blessed. And what is meant for me will not pass me by.

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Clean

Today I am going clean.

No, I’m not talking the domestic-goddess style clean. Unfortunately. The domestic goddess in me will need to wait.

Today, I started a four-week clean eating program.

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I see it as a natural extension of the past six months. What was so special about the past six months? I reformed – body and mind – changed the way I saw my body, what it could do and what I wanted. The road sort of started when I signed up for Tough Mudder last year (which I wrote about in September, on the eve of taking to the obstacle with a ferocious mind).

I had worked out religiously, six days a week, before I signed my death waiver. But TM changed the way I worked out. I stumbled upon Fitness Blender, one of the many home workout revolutions, when I was researching some training options for the Mudder. I tried a few of their videos – all free on YouTube – and fell in love. They were dynamic, tough, hard hitting and varied; strength training, plyometrics, cardio, endurance training  I never got bored working out and woke up every morning rearing to tackle another of their videos.

I quickly ditched my static training (largely cardio and half-assed weights) and started round one of their 8-week program, coupling this with the activities I still very much loved – dancing, bikram and fitness kickboxing. In a month, I started to see my body change. I did not lose weight, but instead saw muscle definition. My strength, endurance and fitness level grew in abundance.

The way I saw my body changed, too. I realised that I no longer yearned for the unrealistic measures of my body ever being waif-thin. I started to like the strength of my body, the sturdiness of it.

I fell in love with Kelly and Daniel, too. The husband and wife duo were fresh, not like the other workout videos. They weren’t ridiculously buff, with big boobs and oiled up bodies. They were normal, healthy, strong and fit people – relatable, trustable and lovable.

I’m now half way through round 3 of their 8-week program.

I am still in love and my body is still changing – stronger and more determined.

On the first of January of this new year, Fitness Blender released a four-week food and nutrition plan – an easy to follow, basic clean-eating plan that focuses on proportionate meals with a balance of protein, carbohydrates and fat. It’s a plan that promotes regular eating, raw and natural foods and nutrients that support a strong and healthy body.

I purchased the e-book, printed the pages and made today the day.

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I’ve done it before, many years ago when the term clean eating had yet been coined. But then, I did it for the wrong reasons and with a very different mindset – all about how many kilos I could drop, as rapidly as possible.

Today, I am not doing it to lose weight, to get thigh gap or to gain a perceived ideal body. Today, I am going to give being the strongest, healthiest and most energetic version of myself a true go. I have invested time into being a conscious person (conscious of the way I feel, what I project, what I bring in and what I leave in the world). Now it’s time to really invest into being more conscious of what I put into my body.

I’m not the unhealthiest of eaters but I do have some unhealthy habits that I’m hoping to curb, like not eating for hours and hours and then scoffing a big meal (however ‘healthy’ the food I am eating is, this is far from a healthy habit). Or eating my son’s leftovers when I really don’t need to. Or not truly ruly exercising my will power when I probably ought to. It’s also about eating the right foods to fuel the exercise I am doing.

With three more weeks left of holidays and the silly season now at my back, it’s fair to say that I can make a good go of some healthier habits before the busy kicks my ass again.

It’s 8:37PM as I post this. I have eaten six meals and my belly is full, if not slightly cranky and pissed off for not giving into its burning desire to devour a block of brie.

But day one is nearly down and I have just checked my pulse. It’s still there. I have not died of starvation as I feared. This is a good sign.

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Stay tuned for progress updates on this 2014 journey of food consciousness and about my failings in the other ‘clean’ department of domestic goddessness.